Thursday, July 16, 2009

Finally, a breakdown!

I've been doing really good. Even though life around me has been out of control, I really have been at peace. In fact, I couldn't even figure out how I've kept it so together.

My mom was in Surgical Trauma ICU for 3 days. My dad got married without much notice. I wasn't even invited to the wedding. Blake got contacts. Hayden got his braces off. Dylan is still having ear trouble and seeing a specialist. I still work every day. I still spend every other night in the hospital. I miss my family. Jeff has either a groin pull or a hernea. I miss my husband. We are super busy at the office getting ready for She Speaks, a conference which I am heavily involved for 5 days at the end of the month. With that said, I've been taking it one moment at a time. Sleeping has been light. I fall asleep, I awake. I'm real tired. And truth be told, I'm worried about my Mom. She's been in the hospital for 4 weeks.

I guess it was only a matter of time. I could at times feel tears, but they would never come. I think there are many reasons for this and I'll share them with you:

1. I KNOW God is in control. I trust Him completely.
2. I don't have time to break down. I have to go from home to work to hospital to work to home to hospital to work....etc.
3. Everyone else in my family breaks down. I need to keep it together. For my mom. For her husband. For my sister. For my kids.
4. God tells me to worry about nothing and pray about everything. I'm trying to do that.

Well, finally, I broke. And it didn't take much to bring it on.

Yesterday at work, a co-worker, who will remain unamed, was in a bad mood and trying to beat a deadline. She had a phone call and I buzzed her office. She said, "Leave me alone!" Well, that was it. That did it. I started crying. Ok, I know what you are thinking.....drama! As I write I can't even believe that's what did it. But it did. I started crying and I couldn't quit.

It was a long time until I went to sleep last night. Not because of my co-worker who snapped at me. I knew that wasn't personal. It was just because I was at the end of my rope. It was time. I needed to let out all that emotion. Each time I would fall asleep. I would soon wake up. I just couldn't get into a deep sleep. Finally at 2:30am I got up to let the dog out. I could hear her running around the bedroom. When I got up and headed for the door, I stepped barefooted into a pile of poop. Thanks Maggie! Geez. Can't a girl catch a break here?

I finally fell asleep around 3:00 am. I didn't wake up until 11:00 am. Thank God I work in a place that is filled with loving and understanding women. I'm supposed to be there by 9:00 am. That just hasn't been happening lately. I called in and they told me to take my time.

I am feeling much better tonight. I got it out. I'm not altogether with it, but I do feel better.

God has provided. I'm not surprised. I am very grateful. Even though I have my times of weakness, He has been there to lift me back up. I trust Him fully. I could not do this without Him. Just when I think life is impossible, He reminds me that nothing is impossible for Him.

Do you trust God? If you are having difficulty trusting God in your life right now, please do share with me. And if you have a story of how you trusted God in a difficult time, please share that too. Your stories inspire me.

If you are interested in reading the latest update on my Mom, click here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/beckynunn1/journal

Blessings,

Melissa

11 comments:

Angie said...

I do trust God, probably not as much as I should. And why is it we think we know what is best for us, even though we feel He is directing us toward something else.

Am I having difficulty trusting God now? I think so. It is also about obedience. I know He is asking me to do something. He has been asking this of me for about two months now. It is something that will cause me to step out of my comfort zone. I also know that Satan telling me it is not necessary. But if it wasn't necessary, I know God would not have laid it on my heart.

Am I not trusting God to help me step out of my comfort zone? Yes. Why is this? I don't know.

I know this is a small thing to ask of me. I can almost hear Him saying, Just trust me on this, take that step and see how much more I have to offer you.

In the last five months I have asked God for things. Nothing material, just a change in me. I have seen these changes happen and felt it in my heart. They have been little things but big changes in my heart.

Satan had control of my heart for a long time. He is loosing ground but not going down without a fight.

It is time to step up, trust God and step out of that comfort zone.

Sharon@JoyInTheTruth said...

Love you and praying for you!

Hearty hugs,
Sharon

"I will lead the blind by the ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth."
Isaiah 42:16

Joyful said...

Oh my sweet Melissa. I just identify with everything you wrote here.

After always being the strong one (or the "cold one" as my family called me), I finally had a breakdown too. I too was the one who was keeping control and trying to handle the situation without being emotional. I came home one day after something had been said to me and just collapsed on my bedroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably.

If you get a moment click here: http://princessjoyful.blogspot.com/2009/03/refuge.html There's a song I posted that might echo your heart as it did mine. (Actually "March" on that blog has a lot of songs that might minister to your heart. I've been where you are...still there many days...and the writing about it helped me too. I've questioned, I've been broken, I've doubted...just so many emotions I've written about...but through it all the Lord has held onto me too.)

Hugs to you my friend. You're not alone.

Love & prayers,
Joy

Sandy in Holiday,FL said...

Dear Melissa, I've been watching and praying every day to see if you would be able to update us on what was going on...You said you were at the end of your rope...I was at the end of my rope, well more than once but finally I realized that was my problem at the time...it was my rope, Not God's Hand. We try so hard to control our emotions, and rightfully so as it is by faith, not feeling that we believe & lean not on our own understanding. But,
I found when I was able to cry, I was on my way to receiving God's strength. As a matter of fact, I'm a little frozen myself over my son's struggle and maybe I'm due for a good cry. I'm going to try and set aside a time to crawl up into Abba's lap and let Him love on me. You should do the same, even if it is in a hospital chair next to your mom. I will continue to keep praying for you to have supernatural strength to accomplish your many tasks, maybe even to have the strength to cry. You are loved!

Lysa TerKeurst said...

Sweet friend...

I am praying for you and your energy level today. I know it is so hard to see your mom going through so much and be sleep deprived on top of that.

I am lifting you up right now.

Rachel Olsen said...

Mel, I'm praying right now for you to have sweet slumber tonight, filled with sweet Jesus dreams. I pray you fall asleep quickly, rest deeply through the night, and awake refreshed. In Jesus' Name.

It's always a stressful time at the P31 office and for the team during the final weeks before She Speaks. I can't beleive the size of the conference we put on with this little band of women ... and our big God.

On top of that, you have sooooo much on your personal plate. Times like this call for extra rest, a little crying which can bring needed release, and the support of your sisters in Christ. I'm here for you friend! And praying.

Chef Diane said...

Amen sister I am standing and praying with you. Please check your other messages and I will share there.
Hugs,
Diane

Stephenie said...

Melissa,
Sometimes a good cry is just the best thing you can possibly allow to happen. May God make himself known to you in sweet ways as you go on this journey with your mom.

Mags said...

As I read your post, I saw myself. Not the circumstances, but the moment by moment relying on God and poof! some small detail breaks the dam. I think tears are meant to wash the soul and we all need a good washing occasionally. Keep holding tight and He won't let go.

Donna said...

Know that we are praying for you mom. I have recently had a breakdown myself. After 49 years of wondering about my birthmother, I decided to do a search. I did this after years of prayer. I have wonderful adoptive parents, who I take very good care of and live close by just mainly so I can take care of them. I have been rejected by my birthmom, and denied any contact. That hurts. I also have been denied by my birthdad. My birthmom is not married. She has another daughter, but she has to allow us to make contact, before my intermediary can contact her and she won't. I guess I was a big secret in her life. I understand that, but birthmom is very ill too, and I want a chance to look into her eyes and tell her thank you and affirm to her she did the right thing. I wrote her a letter and told her that I would not expose her or hurt her in any way. I don't think it is going to happen. I have a picture of my beautiful sister that I may never know. Her name is Melissa too. She even lives somewhat close to me, but I don't know how I will ever find her. Anyway, if the Lord wills, it will be done. I have done everything I know to do as of right now. He knew what to do for me before I ever took a breath, and He knows now. I pray for you that you will have strengh, and peace that passes all understanding. I am so glad you have a wonderful family to help you. I pray you mom gets her wound vac removed today. My son wore one on his leg for three weeks and he was glad to say good-bye to that machine, but without it, progress would be much slower. Take heart. God Bless You.
Hugs and prayers,
Donna

Anonymous said...

Melissa,
I am certain your strength continues to come through your trust in your heavenly daddy, even on days you may think you have no more strength. Please know that I am praying for you and your family.
Margaret S.