Monday, June 29, 2009

Emotional

I was looking for a word to describe me lately. Emotional is all I could come up with. I have experienced so many emotions over the past 2-3 weeks, I feel like I could've been 15 different people. But also though, I feel like I haven't felt at all. I know that makes no sense. But much of the time I've felt numb. And the numbness has been a gift from God. At times I think if I could've "felt" what I was really feeling, I would be a basket case. Maybe gone over the edge.

I have not blogged in quite some time. The last time I blogged my Mom was getting ready to go into the hospital. She's now been in there for 1 and 1/2 weeks and will probably be there for another couple weeks. She had major surgery, the first of it's kind. And it was successful. But there is recovery and rehab. But when it's all said and done, this cancer is gone and there will be just the lung cancer to deal with.

But let me say this. Seeing my Mom go through so much has been excruciating on me. I can't take it, yet I can. This woman who I love is suffering. She's too young. And she blames herself. She keeps apologizing to me. It kills me. But I put up a front. I wear a mask to cover the pain. I think my Mom does too.

I'm at the beach now. After staying in the hospital 6 nights with Mom, I was given the blessing of a break. Friends and family are stepping up to help out. My sister is here from Dallas, TX. My mother in law has stayed with my Mom for 2 nights. Donna is keeping all the dogs (mine and Mom's). Denise has volunteered to stay with Mom one night. Cindy stayed with Mom last night. Aunt Gloria stayed on Sat. I'm so thankful for all of them. I've been at the beach for 2 days now. I have to admit, I felt guilty for coming. But I also know I was worn out and almost ready to crack. The break is good and I'm so thankful for all of the help. I'm really glad to have my sister here.

So, what are my emotions right now? Well, I went on a walk today. Down the beach in the middle of the day. I was thinking about Mom. I was thinking about life. I was thinking about losing my Mom. I was thinking about the loss of life. I got really sad for the first time. My breathing got heavy. I was somewhat angry for having to deal with this. But I also understand that the Master has a plan. I returned to peace.

I just started reading "The Shack" today. I'm half way through it and I can't wait to read the rest. I can tell it's life changing. There are so many lines I've highlighted in the book already that I plan to write about later.

I don't really know what I've written thus far. Hope it made some sense. Today is my 2nd child's birthday. He is 14. Hayden is 14. God bless him. And I thank God for him.

Now I must go. I am watching "wrastlin" with my husband's grandmothers. What a hoot. One is 87 and the other 92. This time with them is priceless! I can't quit laughing! We have 4 generations right here. Watchin' "wrastlin". Lovely!

Blessings,
Melissa

4 comments:

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Praying for you...I have been right where you are just a few years ago and every feeling and emotion possible surfaced.

Joyful said...

Melissa, I identify with all that you wrote here...it makes perfect sense to those who have travelled or are travelling this same road. Reaching 4 months now of the continual visiting of my Dad in the hospital, I feel that in many ways I am shutting down. Emotions and relationships are strained. No end is in sight and I don't like our new "normal". But God...

So thankful for the gift of laughter God has provided for you. Enjoy it and let it bring healing.

Sending tons of hugs to you and continuing to pray.
Love ya,
Joy

Sharon@JoyInTheTruth said...

Melissa:

Praying for your and your mom today. Last year my mom went through hip replacement and back surgery...it was excrutiating for me too. To watch mom go through it all. She was so courageous.

I pray you are refreshed and renewed by His tender love and His perfect Word while at the beach. Soak in His Word...to encourage your heart and renew your mind.

Over-the-counter hugs (and lots of them!),
Sharon

Amy L Brooke said...

I am praying for you. I know how hard this all is. I'm praying for peace for all concerned.